Lindsay Lohan’s Many Victims

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This might come as a shock to you, but Lindsay Lohan has hooked up with a lot of guys.  One drunken night while out with her girlfriends, she left behind a list of celebrities she’s slept with. “They were giggling and talking s— about people in the industry,” a source, who watched as Lindsay jotted down name after name at the Beverly Hills Hotel bar, a source told In Touch.

Let’s go though the poor victims on that list, shall we?

 

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Among the many famous guys listed are James Franco, Heath Ledger, Colin Farrell, Justin Timberlake, Wilmer Valderrama, Adam Levine, Zac Efron and Joaquin Phoenix. When they get off the phone with their lawyers, some of these guys might want to re-examine their lives after this disclosure, seek out a priest or an exorcist, call their mothers and apologize, check if their missing anything from their wallets, or at the very least  head down to the free-clinic and get an STD test.

But wait, there’s more…

All these guys can be categorized into the following two camps…

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Did they have s*x with the young, healthy and beautiful Lindsay Lohan, or…

Lindsay Lohan. Vogue's Party at Hotel Crillon's arrivals in Paris. October 1st, 2009 - Paris, France.

..with the still young but somehow old at-the-same-time Lindsay Lohan mess? Because I’d rather make sweet love to a weedwaacker than with this version of the actress.

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“It was her personal conquest list,” the source told In Touch. “She was trying to impress her friends with the list and then tossed it aside.”  The entirety of the list is not disclosed because according to a source, some of the names are some pretty powerful Hollywood players who are married and/or can feel shame.

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There are even more names from this shameful infamous list. Some of these guys thought they were safe from being exposed for having met Li Lo’s vag and thanking their lucky stars. Turns out they weren’t so lucky and are now probably cursing the day they had one too many piña colada’s and thought to themselves that herpes was not such a big deal.

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Among the newly exposed victims are:  Ashton Kutcher, Ryan Phillippe, Starving Niarchos (Paris Hilton’s ex), Danny Cipriani (An English rugby player),Maggio Cipriani (of the Cipriani restaurant empire), Benicio Del Toro, Aaron Voros (a professional hockey player), Orlando BloomJosh Mond (movie producer), and Petey Wright (model). Funky Monkey would like to express our sincerest condolences to these men.

On the bright side, these luminaries can now consider a career in spokesmanship. Careers go south sometimes, so it’s good to have something to fall back on.